life

All posts tagged life

Being single.

Published October 30, 2015 by Ms.Turtle

Few days ago (maybe two days), a guy friend told me “You are special, strong and ambitious. One day, you will find someone that understand you and he will be attracted to you intensely”. I guess so. Then I remember I also told him “Sometimes being too ambitious is not good. Because I feel lonely, a bit, just a little bit” . I was honest. I do feel lonely, sad, or even sort of depressed. But I guess it is normal, isn’t it? I still remember the movie “Inside out”, the most significant message I got from that animation movie is that “When we grow up, it’s not just Joy (well, the character name) that make sense of our lives, but also sadness, anger, confusion – all need to collaborate well to make us — happy, I suppose. It would be too much for us to hold up to being joyful all the time. We all have to learn to accept our non-linear emotion graph eventually. So, it is not my singleness, which causes my depressing moments. It is life, and I loathe when one of my friend insists on making me to admit that I’m lonely because I have no partner. Well, to be honest, his persistence confuse me sometimes. I questioned myself as well whether he was right.

Then, I read a blog post today, and completely relieved. People are doing the same as what I am doing out there. There are women who are working, living their lives to the fullest. They, or let me say we, are totally ready to fall in love and hope to be loved in return. But we are not sitting around and waiting. We are not letting life slip out like that. We choose to do whatever we love, to explore the world, and to enjoy every single moment of life. We accept sadness, depression, or any down mood as inevitable elements of life. We are willing to love and to be loved. But let borrow something from Buddhism – “It is written”. When it is time, we meet the one, then we fall in love. For now, live well because each day is a precious gift that we should never forget to cherish.

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Hello!

Published October 2, 2015 by Ms.Turtle

This is for my happiness project. It is not my initiative, but rather following Gretchen Rubin book that I’m reading now. I don’t know how long I may stay on this plan, but I will try my best. I first change the font. Instead of using a standard font Times New Roman, I am using this, according to me -cool font. How should I start? And how do I make it interesting enough for me to keep writing everyday? I think it should be a problem for anyone who is not in journalism or some kind of writing field. Even in science, when I have to write my report or work on a paper, it is really hard to start, yet somehow it seem easier to carry on.

English is my second language. It would have been much easier for me to write in Vietnamese, in which I already have a blog. I am trying my best to write in English. I think the fun part is that if anyone read it, they may find some of my writing style hilarious. It is a good thing because at least I can make people happy, even though it means I got made fun of. I’m trying to be forgiving here.

Imagine my life as a map with many distinct, and disconnected zones. A family zone includes my family, and also my best friends in Vietnam, who know every single piece of me. Of course, these people are whom I seem least please. I express my emotion, bad or good, to them. I show my true self when they are around. I usually act as if my brain has no filter. It is normal, isn’t it? Perhaps, I’m taking advantage of their understanding and tolerance. I know they love me, and I unintentionally force them to endure my anger, and irritation. Of course, I share joy, and happiness with them as well. Yet, I guess it is not just me, who always drag the love ones into suffering. I mean, it is common human tendency. What I want to say is, I should definitely include this “family zone” into my happiness project. In the end of the day, they are who matter the most to me.

Another is my work zone. This is my work life, with people I meet in school, or work in my lab. This is the region where I present my professional side. This zone is somewhat exhausting. Even though in my field, everyone is nice and friendly, it is still not acceptable for me to express my emotion frequently. More likely, this may be the best zone for me to test my happiness project. Daily interaction with people normally reveals your personality unexpectedly. I guess the happier I am, the easier for me to cheerfully communicate with others. Anyway, this is where I put most of my effort on for the happiness project. More than half of my life is in this zone, so it is totally reasonable for this much dedication.

I don’t know whether I should have this zone, which I call “vacation zone”. Well, it doesn’t involve any kind of “traveling”. This belongs to Kevin. Did I just say his name? Good. I don’t usually speak his name out loud when I talk about him. I’d rather call him “my Montreal” or “the guy”. He is not my boyfriend, yet a little bit more than a crush. Let me use my scientist skill to analyze our relationship. I treat him like my vacation, because when I was with him, I completely indulged in our moment. I enjoyed being with him. Back in my life, I miss him, not the way you miss someone you love. It’s more like reminiscence of holiday. Being with him is like escaping life. Once Kevin told me “Anh, you should learn to have fun when you sober”. He just doesn’t understand me that well. He knew that I needed some alcohol to be wild. I have fun still, when I sober, just in my way. For example, I enjoy reading, and listening to relaxing music. I have fun when I lie down and do nothing. I have fun when I talk to my friends. Of course, these are different from his definition of fun. He danced with the singer when we passed a street Jazz performance. I don’t like Jazz. He danced in club even before having drinks. I need drink. Kevin is my vacation, and who stay sober when you are on vacation, right? So when I was with him, I tried to get away from my life. I need alcohol to forget my life, hence to enjoy him. Perhaps I’m not that interested in him in prudential state. Anyway, he is not my love because I’m not seeking for some intimacy between us. Then, come a zone for him, vacation zone.

Then comes my friend zone. I don’t have many friends. According to one of them, I’m not well open to people, I have serious problem with “being insecure” – I happen to have a friend who loves to analyze my psychology. These friends are not like ones in my family zone. I don’t seek for intimacy with these people. It is more like a fun area, where I share my life a bit and spend more time on doing wild things. If you ask anyone in this zone about me, they would describe a girl that you may never associate to me. I’m not being fake around them. I just show a different, insane version that I don’t usually reveal. Somehow I even consider myself to be most honest here. I don’t know. At least I care enough for my friend zone. I don’t just easily interact with people and call them friends. There are people whom I rather call “acquaintances”, and never bother bringing them into my life. My friend zone is not too intimate, but not to distant.

The friend who loves analyze me describes my life as following. “For most of people, all the zones overlap. People they meet will be mixed and they never find themselves wandering around aimlessly. People usually choose to be socially immersed. Anh, however, loves to separate everything completely. Then comes the moment when she steps out of one zone, and find herself in middle of nowhere.” I don’t agree with him. I step out of each zone to be on my own. I enjoy these exploration times, when I can travel around, observe everything as an outsider, and choose to step in any zone I want at anytime. I told him that I am more free than most people. He still assigns my quiet moment as “loneliness”, even though I tried to convince him that it is “self quest”. I think we just have different definitions after all, so I gave up arguing with him. I can proudly say I am happy with my life that way. And I totally enjoy my own area blank area, and fill it with adventures. If people see “loneliness”, I can’t force them to think otherwise. As long as I don’t feel lonely, I suppose it to be good enough.