Day to day

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Appreciate every moment of my life

Published October 21, 2015 by Ms.Turtle

My friend said “We have all done what we need to do for our love, so when we are old, we will have nothing to regret. But you, I suppose, will have many things you will wish you have done.” He may be right. I am worried too much, even though I don’t look like so. I’m afraid of failing, as consequence of life-time participating in contests after contest. I always tend to judge and evaluate situations to the minute, and then estimate my chance of winning over, then comes prediction of failure, etc… A long process, or excessive and unnecessary, or silly – as my friend call it. He told me, when it comes to relationship, what your brain tells you is bullshit, follow your heart.

I asked my friend whether I love Kevin. He told me that it has never been a matter of yes or no. What matters is Kevin is different, and special to me. That’s all I need to at least try. I hesitated.

Then Kevin called. I guessed, for one time in my life, I actually took my friend’s advice seriously. I let my critical-thinking process drop. I answered the phone, not worrying about Why he calls? or What am I to him? or What should I say to make good impression?. I let every wandering, clustering thought in my mind slip off. I talked to him, just as much laid-back as to my friends. I think it’s something Dalai Lama would call “approach people with sincerity”. I felt an ease between us. Probably my friend was right, love or like or whatever at this age is not the same as which at my 20. I might not have a heart-racing moment with him, like I had had with my ex-. I was not trying obsessively to say something impressive or cool, like I had tried when I was younger. We did not talk about fancy, interesting or dramatic stuffs like people describe in romance novel. We did not flirt or throw out subtle hints like we have always imagined about relationship. We just TALKED. And I actually enjoyed it. Or to be honest, I love how we communicate that way. When I did not carry a burden of future, I appreciated presence more. In the end, it’s all that matters, isn’t it? Appreciate every moment of my life.

This time, I should thank my friend, more than Kevin. Because ultimately, he was the one that make my talk more enjoyable. His truthful advice had cleared my clustered mind before I talked to Kevin. I still love my friend the most.

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Tarot Reading

Published October 4, 2015 by Ms.Turtle

I have a new obsession recently. It’s tarot reading. I’m not normally superstitious. Well, I am, but not super superstitious, like believing in bad luck associated with black cat (my neighbour has one, and it jumps to my backyard everyday) or blood moon (I still regret not to go see blood moon the other day). Yet, the lady who did the tarot reading for me was amazing. I couldn’t explain how she could possibly read me so well. Maybe there is something in life that I can’t scientifically explain. She might have “sensed my energy” (according to her saying). And her house was like Harry Potter movie, which complimented the reading so well.

Anyway, I am not trying to advertise for her right now (even though she is seriously unconceivable, and magical). I am talking about the effect of having a tarot reading, which I call “mental spa” now. I have been telling myself day after day about keeping positive energy, about mindfulness, about keep my worry away. You know, it’s not so convincing when you are telling yourself something, is it? Then comes the tarot reading. Like my case, I found a good lady, who had successfully and convincingly read me. I felt relieved. There are many things which is not easily to explain to friends, or even to speak it out loud. When the lady read me, the feeling that someone understands and sympathizes with me was so overwhelming. It felt like she was taking away the burden and replacing it with many positive aspects. The best thing was that I did not have to say one single word, but sat back and got amazed by how she was describing my life. Honestly, I was more into the “mental spa” aspect of the reading, than concerned with my future that she had said. I was relieved, and convinced into something that is easier to handle for my little exhausted brain. I think everyone should try to have tarot reading, for the sake of being mentally pampered. I mean, if you are a rational and strong-minded person – in the sense that you don’t get affected too much by the surrounding – then you will find this an extreme comforting experience.

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P.S: I guess I should bring K. photo for a reading (she can “sense energy” from a photo too, she did it for my friend and brother. And it was so true) before I go to Montreal. Well, just to calm my mind or maybe to have an energy boost so I can text him ( or not, because she may say we are not meant together. OMG!! Then what should I do? – mind-torturing moment again!!!!)

I still love Montreal regardless

Published October 3, 2015 by Ms.Turtle

“Sometimes life is like going to an art gallery. You know that you will have to leave, but there are many things you love. Sadly, even though you have a lot of money, it doesn’t secure possession of what you love. There are things that do not mean to belong to you. I bet you would still come back, look at them and let yourself sink in the helplessness.”

I was reading a book of a Vietnamese author. She wrote about her life after her break-up with a married man. She was miserable, and I thought I would hate her for what she had done. Oddly, I did not. I learned something from her story, and her mourning that she had managed to elicit.

I booked ticket to Montreal next month, for my birthday. Even though everything was booked, I have been constantly hesitated. I have made thousands of assumptions, run over so many “what if…” quiz in my mind. What if he will have a girl friend? What if he will not see me? What if he will be travelling somewhere? What if …? I guess, I have been torturing my mind, which is totally against my happiness project. I forget about him for moment, when I do yoga, or when I meditate. I think I have a tremendous amount of synapses which are dedicated for “K. issue”. As soon as I finish my yoga or meditation, the K nerve cells will be over active, as if they were trying to compensate for time my brain has walked away from him. Once, I imagine “us” together in that city, and “I” talking to him sincerely, telling him about my life. Then, I immediately imagine “I” wandering around a French architecture streets alone. I have been going through an endless circle of “excitement” and “disappointment”. I try to recall what Dalai Lama said so many times “All our sufferings are created by our own mind”. But I can’t just stop myself.

Then I read the book. It was like a relief. I am back to the “I”, who happily walked around Asia countries in 35degree all by myself. I am back to the “I”, who is ready to do anything for my happiness regardless of any incidents. I checked my hotel again, making sure I will stay in a nice hotel because it will be my birthday and I want to treat myself well. I stop desperately searching for things to do in case K. is not seeing me. I will do what I have been doing all the time when I travel. I love to walk aimlessly, to observe the city as a lost one. That’s what I will do. I’m going there to see him, to calm myself down from my utterly urging desire to see him. But I can’t let myself be miserable for anyone. Regardless of everything, in the end, what matters is I am doing it for my happiness, not to torture myself. If he is not there, for me, anymore, it is fine. I still love Montreal, and I will definitely enjoy every single moment in that city. Just for me.

I found the right man, at a wrong time

Published October 2, 2015 by Ms.Turtle

– written on October 1, 2015 – copied from laptop

I have started my happiness project since last month, but to write everyday is my October to-do. First day of October, I will give it to my vacation zone.

I deactivated my Facebook few months ago, so I can communicate with people more sincerely. Then I have a new habit – it is a bad habit I suppose – to google people. I have listened to my best friend talking about her ex for several days, then I have a bizarre feeling. I fanatically think about Kevin for days. Yesterday, I googled him. I found a website – couchsurfing.org – which is a hostelling finder web for traveller. Of course, his profile was there. And of course, I could not restrain myself from reading it. I don’t know how to put it down here, but I guess it was the “worst” mistake I’ve ever had.

He is different, or to say, more special and unexpected. I read, and read again, for almost twenty times. Every single time I realized I was falling further and further in love. Did I just say “love”? He is not as anything as I have ever thought of. I had an urge to see him, which was so forceful that I almost cried. I truly want to copy and paste what he wrote here, so that it’d be easier for me to describe my feeling.

I was attracted, obviously, because I have always been so. This time, it was more than mere attraction. It is deeper than that. I was impressed, and had a sincere respect for every single word he wrote. I felt connected somehow, like between each line, I saw his smile, his touch, and his truthful eyes. Then I regretted, for missing my chance to talk to him. Back then, when we were sitting together on his terrace, he put his head on my shoulder and whispered to me “Tell me something more, about you or anything. Tell me!” I ignored, because I did not take our relationship seriously, at least it was not even a relationship but I can’t think of any other name for it. I did not understand how great he is, an amazing thoughtful man.

He is the right one, with everything I have ever imagined in my man. He is the one that I have always dreamed of. He is the one that makes me admire, love and respect. It is rare, for me.

Anyway, my point is I think I fall in love, with a man whom I may never be with. I found the right man, at a wrong time.