My friend said “We have all done what we need to do for our love, so when we are old, we will have nothing to regret. But you, I suppose, will have many things you will wish you have done.” He may be right. I am worried too much, even though I don’t look like so. I’m afraid of failing, as consequence of life-time participating in contests after contest. I always tend to judge and evaluate situations to the minute, and then estimate my chance of winning over, then comes prediction of failure, etc… A long process, or excessive and unnecessary, or silly – as my friend call it. He told me, when it comes to relationship, what your brain tells you is bullshit, follow your heart.
I asked my friend whether I love Kevin. He told me that it has never been a matter of yes or no. What matters is Kevin is different, and special to me. That’s all I need to at least try. I hesitated.
Then Kevin called. I guessed, for one time in my life, I actually took my friend’s advice seriously. I let my critical-thinking process drop. I answered the phone, not worrying about Why he calls? or What am I to him? or What should I say to make good impression?. I let every wandering, clustering thought in my mind slip off. I talked to him, just as much laid-back as to my friends. I think it’s something Dalai Lama would call “approach people with sincerity”. I felt an ease between us. Probably my friend was right, love or like or whatever at this age is not the same as which at my 20. I might not have a heart-racing moment with him, like I had had with my ex-. I was not trying obsessively to say something impressive or cool, like I had tried when I was younger. We did not talk about fancy, interesting or dramatic stuffs like people describe in romance novel. We did not flirt or throw out subtle hints like we have always imagined about relationship. We just TALKED. And I actually enjoyed it. Or to be honest, I love how we communicate that way. When I did not carry a burden of future, I appreciated presence more. In the end, it’s all that matters, isn’t it? Appreciate every moment of my life.
This time, I should thank my friend, more than Kevin. Because ultimately, he was the one that make my talk more enjoyable. His truthful advice had cleared my clustered mind before I talked to Kevin. I still love my friend the most.