Do you know what the most horrible feeling is? It is when you have sent a text, then remind yourself DO NOT WAIT FOR REPLY, but actually you check your phone every 5 mins to disappoint yourself, then remind yourself again but check again. A depressing endless cycle. Over and over again. And know what, if you really get a reply, you will turn out to be a crazy paranoid girl. You are elated, obviously. However, the endless cycle has taken your mind. Elation is not strong enough to alter all the verdicts you have made up. They are like: That person is not interested in me. If he like me, he should have had replied earlier, etc. You are on the edge of being happy+continue on and upset+paranoid. So, for girls, nuclear bomb seems so trivial but a text is a serious problem. If a continent is destroyed but not included the girl’s country, then sending a text and waiting for reply are more destructive, I mean, mentally severely destruction.
So, can I be back to my own story. I sent the text 15 minutes ago, and I have been in the second phase of the cycle: Reminding myself. I don’t know how long I can hold it up but I feel like I’m doing well in “not checking”. Disappointed? Yes. I am more likely “plan-your-feeling-ahead” kind of girl. I tend to assume the worst scenario, well, no blaming – I’m too old for “blaming-the-world” attitude. I just try to put myself in the failure so my hope, of course deeply inside I still hope for something good, doesn’t get destroyed too much. Maybe saying I’m good at covering my hope, or overprotective to my hope. I pretend I have no hope, but to be honest, I do. Then, I just mask it with something else in case something, like a nuclear bomb probably, shatters it.
Here is what my best friend would say if he knew about these (probably never since his English is terrible): You are too insecure, and paranoid. Open yourself then be brave. Such a coward. Well, one of his dearest obsession is insulting me. But I guess he is right. Sometimes, overprotection turns out badly. The more I try to shield away from someone, the more vulnerable I am. But it is really hard, to open up, to admit that I am falling for someone and to say that I desperately wait for uncertainty. Too much confession, just saying. I can’t handle that.